730 Days.
When I was seventeen, love was new. It was the rush of a midnight kiss in the rain, staying out past curfew to be with each other a little longer, the constant butterflies in my stomach and the honey moon phase that seemed to last forever. However, that same exhilarating love was also breaking myself down and giving every piece of me to someone else. It was about trying to be perfect for someone who always wanted more. It was a boy with too many options, until those options went away; Then love was a sudden knowledge of how valuable my heart was and doing anything to pull me back in. Love was blinding.
When I was eighteen, love became so exciting neither of us wanted to let it go. It was a need to believe in two people beating the odds. The year became full of spontaneous drives downtown to watch the city lights from parking decks, it was VIP concerts, beach vacations, rooftop golf dates, family events, and spending every single day with each other until the time came for college. Then love became long distance. For him it was about finding a replacement while I was away. Love was deceitful. It was "now that you are becoming your own person without me there, now that you are getting attention from other people, I am finally ready to commit to you before anyone else does". Love was selfish, so, I decided love needed a break.
When I was 19 love appeared at a red light in the car beside me after 6 months apart. A few harmless texts were exchanged, each of us saying we hoped the other was doing well and of course we missed each other. Texts turned into lunch, which turned into dinner dates, that eventually lead to slow dancing in the kitchen to Tennessee Whiskey. Love had fled back into my life faster than Ricky Bobby could say Shake and Bake. But just like 1000 times before, love quickly switched lanes.
Love became a drunk boy with too much anger to hold in. Love was yelling and screaming. Love was cheating and lying. Love was chugging alcohol and throwing bottles at me. It was punching walls, shattering phones, breaking fingers, breaking anything he could get his hands on. Love was locking myself in a room, hiding in a closet because I was so scared of being hurt. Love came down to 3AM hiding in the bushes because he broke down that door and hurt me.
It took me two years to walk away; 730 days to realize I was too full of life to be half loved and I was worth so much more than an almost, maybe, sort of, just barely kind of commitment.
Moving forward from any relationship is extremely tough and a lot of times I find myself asking God why he would let those things happen to me, why he let it get so bad, how is this supposed to help me grow when all it did was break me to pieces? But when you ask, you shall receive, and God has provided! He has given me the strength I never in a million years thought I had, he has given me the courage to not look back and to keep moving forward to better things. He opened up hundreds of doors filled with incredible opportunities, and most importantly he helped my faith grow to new heights. God used a bad situation to teach me everything love is not and show me everything love can be when I fix my heart on him instead.
A part of me still loves the boy I once fell head over heels for, and I always will despite the bad things that happened. I pray that he finds his way back to that amazing guy I first met. I pray he finds everything he is looking for and more. I pray that God heals him in all the ways I couldn't. I pray he finds the type of love that makes him want to be better. I pray when he finds it, that he holds onto that love tightly and treats it right. I hope he finds his peace in life and has an amazing future.
For anyone out there whether you may be stuck in that toxic relationship, or you just walked away, I know it may not seem like it, but I promise you God has so much more in store for you than you could ever dream of. So I double dog dare you to give God your pencil and let him start writing a new story for you.
